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Commercial Break: Why I’m Not Cool Enough to Drink Ciroc with Diddy in Vegas

January 2, 2013
Are you cool enough to drink Ciroc vodka?

Are you cool enough to drink Ciroc vodka?

With the new year arriving and bringing with it New Years Eve celebrations, Diddy (who once did his own version of a Led Zeppelin song to tie-in with a Godzilla movie – you can read about that here) has been pushing hard his vodka drink, Ciroc.  Billboards are popping up all over town, and if you’ve been watching sports whatsoever lately, no doubt you’ve seen the commercials featuring Diddy living it up in Vegas with a bunch of dudes (and Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad fame, randomly enough).  If you haven’t had the pleasure, here it is, in its four-minute entirety.  (Please note: Only watch if you’re okay spending four minutes of your life seeing Diddy and a bunch of dudes party in Vegas and drink endless amounts of vodka.  I’ve watched it twice now, so that’s eight minutes of my life spent watching Diddy party with a bunch of dudes in Vegas, and as of this writing, I’m not sure how I feel about that.)

Now having gone through this journey twice watching Diddy and Aaron Paul party until the sun rises, I’m pretty sure I’ll never get invited to an outing such as this.  For one, I’m not a celebrity, and definitely not on the same caliber of Chad Michael Murray!  But even if I was a celebrity of such height and stature, I don’t think I could walk around so fancy-like with these smooth bro’s.  I mean, I would try my very best to walk through a Vegas casino side-by-side with Diddy, but I know I would ultimately trip over something and fall face-first into a slot machine.  This would lead to Diddy and Aaron Paul kicking me right out of the group, and I’d have to buy a last-minute Southwest flight back home.

I also couldn’t keep up with their massive vodka consumption.  Two Ciroc-and-soda’s later, and the room would start spinning.  This would happen probably about the time the classy ladies showed up (all of whom I don’t recognize when their names appear on screen).  Sure, I’d try to talk to them, and be all smooth and Diddy-like, but by the third Ciroc-and-soda, every other word out of my mouth would be slurred, leading to rejection and self-inflicted anger as I crawled back to my hotel room, alone.  How these dudes made it all the way until morning, and continued to slurp down Ciroc vodka on the roof as the morning sun illuminated the Vegas landscape, is beyond me.  Even Aaron Paul looks a little worse for wear towards the end.  Clearly, he just wants to go to bed, but Diddy The Inebriator won’t let him, forcing poor Jesse to keep drinking his damn Ciroc (probably mixed with orange juice at this point in the day).

At one point, they all play Craps, so no way I come off looking good during that!  I’d keep betting the Come Bet and would endlessly snicker because the word COME is spelled with huge letters on the board.  Frank Vincent would shoot non-stop annoyed glares at me, which would cause me to slink inward, afraid to laugh any further.  When it came time to sit around and joke, I could probably tell whatever joke ended with the punchline “give him a dollar” but nobody would laugh, because I’d slur the entire set-up, then end up doing the “is this thing on?” routine because I would drunkenly panic at the ensuing silence.  This would be followed by Chad Michael Murray whispering into my ear: “You okay, man?  Maybe you should slow down a little bit.”  I’m sure I’d answer back: “Don’t tell me what to do!  I don’t have a problem!  YOU have a problem!”  Then I would storm out and do something incredibly stupid, like head to the nearest sports book and bet my entire retirement savings on the Cleveland Browns winning their next game.

Yep, I don’t think I could hang with Diddy and the Ciroc crew in Vegas.  I can’t swag walk, I can’t hold my liquor, and I’m too nervous a gambler.  If the day ever arrives when Diddy offers me a night out with his crew and endless amounts of free Ciroc vodka, I will have to sit down and seriously consider what I’d be putting myself through – probably have to do all this reflection inside a church, too.  What I plan to do is steal a line from this “film” and use it every time I do go out at night.  Before hopping into the car, I will look at the group of friends I’m going out with and say, in a very serious tone: “We own the night.  Let’s go!”




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