Last Christmas, George Michael gave you his heart…
Let’s kick the holidays off the right way, shall we? Normally, I’m not one for Christmas music and only really have to suffer through it while in stores this time of year, but there is one Christmas song that I’ll bump non-stop during the holidays. It’s none other than Wham!’s 1984 classic, “Last Christmas.” You know the one:
There are so many white people doing white people things in this video, my head feels like it’s going to explode. Now, I know black comedians started poking fun at white people way before this video was made, and watching it, I feel all those jabs are entirely justified. My God, look at this! Trudging up to a cabin in the snowy mountains, decorating a big ol’ Christmas tree, having a big turkey dinner, running and rolling around in the snow – the activities these couples do in this video is as white as the snow they roll around in. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying any of this is bad stuff, it’s just so… very… white…
Anyway, also distracting here are two things: 1. The incredibly thick and illustrious mullets on display here, and 2. Trying to accept George Michael playing a straight man torn between two women, when we know he frequents the glory holes in public parks around LA. On the first point, I find it increasingly fascinating watching any piece of pop culture during the 80’s and trying to comprehend why mullets were even a thing back then. All of the dudes in this video look like they’re sporting possums on their heads. Can someone who was in their 20’s during this time please explain its popularity? You know something is amiss when the guys are using more hair spray than the girls. As for the second point, well, if we’ve all made it this far pretending Tom Cruise and John Travolta are uber-hetero leading man straight-types, then I guess we can all pretend George Michael is, as well.
I’m also a little confused on the timeline of events here. Are George and Brunette Chick sneaking away to roll around in the snow like 5-year-old’s behind their new lover’s backs, or is this all a flashbacks to “last Christmas”? I like to think it’s a flashback, because if they were sneaking behind their lover’s backs to roll around a la Anakin Skywalker and Padme, it makes them complete douches, and there are enough douches in the world. But if they are sneaking around, is this really all you want to do? Roll around in the snow and have a snowball fight? I mean, I know it’s cold and all, but if you’re motivated enough to sneak around behind your partner’s back, you should be motivated enough to do other stuff, as well.
Also, why put yourself in the position of spending a wholesome weekend in a cabin doing Christmas activities when you know an ex is going to be there? You’re just asking for trouble by putting yourself in that situation. And what new boyfriend/girlfriend would go along with that? “Oh, don’t worry, honey, my ex is going to be there with her new dude. But it’s all good! We’ll all decorate a Christmas tree together!” Nobody I know would be comfortable in this situation, so if George and Brunette did wander off together, their respected mates were kind of asking for it.
And with that last bit of optimism… Happy Holidays!
Pete
Self-Publish: Black Friday SALE!
It’s Black Friday, and while most places will put their product on sale, I give you something more – something FREE. Today, Friday, November 23, the first two chapters of Mr. Grey vs. the Greys are absolutely free! Click on the covers below to download them to your Kindle, and use your long weekend to read how a grumpy high school history teacher must save the world from an upcoming alien invasion. Click the Kindle logo below to see how to get a free Kindle app on your smart phone or iPad. AND… chapter three is just around the corner!
Truly this is a Black Friday MIRACLE!
Click here to download part 1 for free!
Click here to download part 2 for free!
Download a Kindle app NOW!
Pete
The O-Dog Chronicles: Season 3, Episodes 5 & 6
He’s gonna need to put that gun down and pick-up a fire poker and shield if he’s our new T-Dog.
Three weeks ago, television lost one of its most memorable and lovable characters – T-Dog, the token black guy in The Walking Dead. T-Dog broke all kinds of TV barriers, having survived two and a half seasons deep before being needlessly killed off. Before T-Dog, African-American males in horror shows like this died needlessly within the first few episodes, if not in the pilot. T-Dog broke these barriers, and for that, he will forever live in television history, and in our hearts.
The producers and “writers” of The Walking Dead probably knew in the back on their heads that killing T-Dog would lead to a fan revolt, and the ratings of the show would rapidly plummet. (Critics would claim it was because the audience grew tired of all the motivational and attitude shifts each of the one-dimensional characters went through each week, but we all know the real reason) So, they smartly had T-Dog’s back-up in place – Oscar, one of the prisoners who was hiding out in the prison during the zombie apocalypse. I was skeptical at first if Oscar could be our new “Dog,” but after this week’s episode, I welcome “O-Dog” into the lexicon!
O-Dog’s status as the new T-Dog was cemented this week when he spotted a pair of slippers in a jail cell and blurted out – “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” It was the kind of cliched, black man dialogue eerily reminiscent of T’s most famous line – “Aww hell naw!” When asked by Daryl why the sudden excitement over slippers, O responded: “Ya know, to kick back in.” And that’s pretty much all poor Vincent Ward had to play this week – getting excited over a pair of slippers and spitting out two cliched lines.
Folks, if this doesn’t make him O-Dog, I don’t know what will. T-Dog’s run on the show was filled with classic moments like this. He’d be given one or two lines each week, always asinine and completely worthless that shed no light on his character. All we knew about T was that he wanted to go to the coast, for some reason (poor Dog, he never did get to go to the coast). Since this is The Walking Dead and doesn’t adhere to the rules of television writing (not out of some sort of rebellion, mind you, but more because I don’t think they know what the hell they are doing), the most we learned about T was he was religious and drove people back and forth from some church or something. Of course, this information was provided by Glen AFTER T-Dog was killed… because giving the audience a character’s backstory while they’re alive so that we would feel sadness when they died would make waaaaay too much sense.
So, I hope you all are on board with O-Dog as I am. If you’re not convinced O is the new T, I submit to you this screen capture, that clearly demonstrates the change:
O-Dog: “Last week, I wanted nothing to do with this group. This week, I’m all happy there’s a new baby in the mix!”
Ahh, there he is, hovering in the background, casually observing the action while barely being a part of it. Saying absolutely nothing in the scene, yet for some reason, he’s just… there. Classic T-Dog, and now, classic O-Dog!
Pete
I’m sure a lot of you have seen this commercial, advertising the 2013 Hyundai Santa Fe and all the crazy places it can take you to. For some reason, Hyundai thought it would be a good idea to create a fake family living in the most unhealthy of lifestyles to advertise it. Take a look:
Out of myriad of horrible things about this fictional family, let’s first touch upon the most obvious: This entire marriage is built on a house of lies, with the kids forced to play the middle man. Since the dad and mom are both using the kids to hide their separate extreme sports hobbies from each other (which is also mystifying – since they both love extreme sports, why don’t they do these things together? Why hide the fact? I would think they’re fake backstory would be they met and fell in love doing extreme sports together, so why do they hide it from one another now? Huge story flaws here, folks), we can safely assume they’re keeping other secrets from each other. No doubt the dad is going to secret, underground sex clubs on Saturday nights, while the mom is getting more than just a massage from Hans, her weekly massage therapist. I’m sure the kids are forced to hear their mother’s cries of passion as they sit outside the massage room, and have to hold in their vomit when she exits the room – aglow – and says: “Don’t tell Dad.”
If ever a thirty second commercial summarized an unhealthy marriage, it’s this one. When it comes to relationships – and marriages especially – communication is always the #1 requirement to make it long-lasting. How these two schmucks made it this far and produced three kids while constantly lying to each other is a mystery for the ages.
Other problems: The dad is setting a horrible bad example for his kids. TPing someone’s house? And who the hell’s house it is?! Is he TPing his boss’ house because he took away their Christmas bonus last year? Did the dad get a poor performance review? I can’t imagine a single scenario in which a grown ass man would need the assistance of his kids to TP someone’s house. Also, the dad buying the kids a mountain of ice cream each is going to kill their digestive systems. Dairy, as a whole, need not be consumed past infant nursing, let alone consumed in a giant heap like in this commercial. A little ice cream here or there is okay, but good God man, teach your kids the fine art of moderation! He’s planting the seed of future alcohol and drug dependency!
This commercial really should cut to twenty-five years later, as the grown-up kids sit awkwardly on a therapist’s couch, explaining to their now old parents (who should be too old by now to do things like mountain biking) why they’re drug addicts and can’t hold down a meaningful relationship. The parents are finally forced to reveal all of the lies they’ve been giving each other throughout the course of their relationship, and the entire family melts apart. All because these two douche nozzles had to keep secrets from each other (secrets about activities they’d probably both enjoying doing together!).
When the time comes for me to buy a new car, you can bet your ass I won’t be buying a Hyundai Sante Fe! (Cut to a year from now as I cruise down the 101 in a slightly-used 2013 Sante Fe)
Pete
The T-Dog Chronicles: Goodnight, Sweet Prince
T-Dog is now in Heaven, standing in the background, saying very little and fetching equipment for angsty white people.
Very early on in this week’s Walking Dead episode, I become worried – a sense of dread hung over me. T-Dog was speaking a lot in the show… A LOT. The writers actually gave him a point of view and an emotion to play. He had lines – too many of them. My spider sense went into overdrive. T-Dog speaking this much could only mean one of two things: 1. The writers realized they had a character for two and a half seasons that literally did nothing, and had decided to fix that (thus eliminating everyone’s favorite drinking game – taking a shot whenever T-Dog says something) or 2. He was going to be killed off. Unfortunately for all of us, the latter proved to be the case, and our sweet, silent, stoic background character was stolen away from us.
Did T-Dog need to die? Not really. Ignoring the massive plot holes in the story that led to the Dog’s death, he really could have kept going. He didn’t even need to hold those two zombies at bay so Carol could escape – they easily could have ran past them (I mean, it was ONLY two zombies!). (Also, don’t get me started on how Lori’s death was completely ridiculous. She could have easily waited in that boiler room for the zombies to pass by before re-joining the others to have her C-section. But anyways, I digress…)
So why did the writers decide to off everyone’s favorite “character” and leave the blog-o-sphere in a state of mourning? My guess is they realized the massive amount of shitting on them the fans were doing every week by continuously pointing out they kept a a character around that was the living embodiment of their poor writing choices. How do you go two and a half seasons and not provide a single shred of background information on a main cast member?! I think when they sat down to map out season 3 (oh, who am I kidding? They don’t map out any of this stuff), they decided they wanted to off Lori four episodes in, then thought – hey, might as well kill T-Dog as well, so we can stop being made fun of by countless nerds the world over. And so, they killed him, and it was as if thousands of bloggers suddenly cried out, and were immediately silenced.
So what do we do now? Are the T-Dog Chronicles over? Keep in mind, the show has already replaced the token black character with another – Oscar, the prisoner who claimed he didn’t care about his life, but proved he has a heart of gold.
T-Dog 2.0?
Will Oscar be our new T-Dog? (O-Dog, if you will) Or will the writers have learned their lesson and actually give the character a backstory and a point of view to play? It’s like they knew they screwed up with T-Dog, we all made fun of them for it, and now they’re starting over again with Oscar. They’ve already given him emotions to play and made him an integral part of the story last night, so I am weary to call him the next T-Dog. He’s already too involved as it is, but only time will tell.
And so, let us put our friend to rest and echo out in unison… one last time: AWWW HELL NAW!!!
Pete
Commercial Break: This Guy “Crushed It” – Time for a Corona!
Hello Ready Readers. No T-Dog Chronicles this week because, well, there was no T-Dog in this week’s episode of The Walking Dead! So, instead of writing about what turned out to be a pretty decent hour of television, instead I’ll focus on the latest douche gracing our screens… The Corona “Crushed It” guy. Who is he? Take a look:
I don’t know what about this commercial, or this guy in particular, that irks me so much. Is it his pompous demeanor and obnoxious dramatic pause after the girl asks him “how’d it go?” Is it the fact he uses the term “crushed it” to refer to a particularly good day at work? I’m assuming this character works in ad sales or some sort of marketing job, in which he “crushed” a presentation that day. I think why this ad annoys me so is because it’s so “business-y.” It summarizes that business lifestyle that I’ve always found so mystifying I’ve never understood why business dudes get so excited over the word synergy, or why they think walking around wearing a Bluetooth is some badge of accomplishment.
Maybe it has more to do with the term “crushed it” than anything else. Why does he have to say “crushed it?” Why can’t he just say – “The sales presentation went really well. I think I made a good impression on them. We’ll see what happens.” Is his “crushing” a sales presentation really cause for a group celebration and a loud round of cheers? Maybe this group of friends are all raging alcoholics, looking for any excuse to imbibe again? The more I create a fictional backstory to these commercial actors, the angrier I become, so I should probably just stop right now.
Guys, I think I crushed this blog post!
Pete
The T-Dog Chronicles: Season 3, Episode 2
Okay, who gave T-Dog the gun? We all know he’s more a fire poker type of guy.
At the conclusion of this week’s episode of The Walking Dead, I was struck with the fact that we’re three seasons into this show, and we still do not know ONE GODDAMN THING about this character. Who is T-Dog? Where did he come from? Was he married with kids? Was he a tenured college professor before the zombie apocalypse struck? Perhaps that is why he stays quiet and out of the way – he knows full well that the loud and boisterous ones, like Rick and the Latino prisoner dude, are the ones who end up getting killed, while the quiet ones make it to the end.
This theory – that T-Dog is secretly a brilliant genius – was kind of quashed when he offered the White Hick Prisoner a piece of advice – take the dead bodies and burn them. After he said that, he walked away like a pimp, but I’m not really sure he earned his pimp strut. What does it matter if White Hick Prisoner and I-Don’t-Beg-For-My-Life-Prisoner burn the myriad of dead zombie bodies? It’s not like they’re going to come back to life seeking brains to eat. It’s not like the rest of the prison doesn’t smell like shit what with all the other dead bodies – and literal shits in the kitchen – that burning a dozen dead zombies is going to fix. So I’m not really sure why T-Dog bestowed this advice to the prisoners. Maybe he knows something the other characters – and we, the audience – don’t know. Perhaps the bodies need to be burned for some life-saving measure only the mighty T-Dog knows? Perhaps he really IS a genius hiding behind a mask of quietness? He certainly walked away from that scene like he knew what he was talking about.
Another good example of why T-Dog might be brilliant is that he’s the only one of these idiots who took one of the zombie riot gear shields to use when the gang cleared out the prison of “walkers.” I mean, there were plenty of other shields for Rick and Co. to pick-up and use, but only the T-man did. I would think a riot shield would come quite in handy when an attacking zombie was pouncing upon you, its teeth ready to tear into your flesh. Yet T-Dog was the only one of these idiots to figure this out. I’m telling you – he’s secretly a genius!
And finally, this episode provided perhaps the best T-Dog “hero” shot we’ve had in the series thus far. The Angry Latino Prisoner was grilling Rick and Daryl over a variety of pointless things, one of which being what these zombies were all about. The prisoners think they can kill the zombies like a man can be killed. Suddenly, T-Dog steps into the frame – again, all pimp style – and says: “They ain’t human, man. They something else!” This was enough for the prisoners to realize that it was going to be quite the task to clear out all the remaining zombies left in the prison. Rick and Daryl cited specific examples of how these zombies were different, but the message wasn’t registering. But when T-Dog steps up and simply says, “they ain’t human,” THEN the prisoners get it. See what I’m saying? T-Dog is a genius.
However, it’s still weird to see him with a gun. Stick to the fire poker!
‘Till next week!
Pete
In Memoriam: R.I.P. Draw Something
A ghost town on iPhones across the nation
I know I’m months late in writing about this, but I always wanted to get my thoughts down about this smart phone game, and this cloudy, rainy day finally allows me to do so.
You all remember when Draw Something burst into the realm of smart phone games. It was a virtual Pictionary, and we all spent hours drawing things to each other and guessing what it was. It was all the rage for about a month, but then its popularity plummeted faster than the second season of Heroes. Now it is the MySpace of smart phone games. I logged into it last night, and a long line of abandoned games with my friends sat there – a virtual ghost town of a fad whose time has long since passed.
So why did we all dump Draw Something like the overeager boyfriend/girlfriend who moves much too fast and wants to get married four months into dating? A couple of reasons. 1. The game never ended. You and a friend could keep drawing pictures with each other until your last, dying breath, with the only goal being collecting coins in order to “buy” additional colors. BOR-ing. With no winners or losers, the app became less a game and more an excuse to kill three minutes of time when bored. Once people realized how many precious minutes of their lives they wasted drawing worthless pictures for each other, they bounced out. 2. The same words over and over again. How many times were we supposed to draw a picture of Lady Gaga? By the time the overlords of the “game” realized users were getting sick of drawing the same twenty words over and over, they added more. But it was too little, too late, and by that time, Draw Something had been left for dead. 3. When it comes down to it, drawing pictures just isn’t as mentally stimulating as spelling words, which is why Words with Friends continues to dominate. Hell, trying to figure out how to kill those pigs with those Angry Birds is a lot more challenging that drawing shitty pictures. People – whether they are aware of it or not – need to be constantly challenged, or else we grow bored and move on. Draw Something’s demise is a an analogy to anything in life that loses its ability to challenge us – if it doesn’t grow and evolve along with us, we move on. Such is life.
So now the app exists – for me- as an excuse to draw inappropriate pictures to my friends. Other than that, it merely sits on my phone, a relic from a period of time. I’m more than confident that if it still exists on your phone, it’s purpose remains the same as mine. Rest in peace, Draw Something.
Pete
The T-Dog Chronicles: Season 3, Episode 1
Welcome, Ready Readers, to a new category on ye ole’ blog: The T-Dog Chronicles! Inspired by everyone’s favorite character from AMC’s The Walking Dead program, the T-Dog Chronicles will summarize and scrutinize the oft-forgotten – but always lovable – lost survivor of the zombie apocalypse.
Why devote an entire category to a character that only utters a line or two in a TV show that already has one-dimensional characters portrayed by subpar actors? Because I find the fact that a show filled to the brim with one-dimensional characters whose purpose for us, the audience, is to take a breath from zombie slaughter action, could keep around a character who DOES NOTHING week to week and yet somehow has stayed around into the third season. I find it endlessly hilarious, and now we will have this website to track just how little he is truly involved with the plot of the show.
SEASON 3, EPISODE 1: T-DOG SPEAKS!!
Where is T-Dog? Oh, behind the rest of the cast. A picture that symbolises his rank in the show.
Ooh nelly! T-Dog had a lot of lines! The first fifteen minutes of the show almost turned into The T-Dog Hour. I think he spoke more in the first fifteen minutes of the show than he did in all of season 2! What insights did the Dog illuminate for us? Here’s what the forgotten Dog had to say:
While everyone is reading a map– “We got no place else to go.” “If this group (zombies) joins with that one (another bunch of zombies), they could spill out this way.” “It’s like we spent the winter going in circles.” “Is it cool if we meet up with you later? We need to fill up on water.”
While everyone is sitting around the fire just outside the prison– “Tomorrow, we’ll pull the bodies together and keep them away from that water. Now, if we can dig a canal under the fence, we’ll have plenty of fresh water.”
This was a cornucopia of T-Dog lines! I count five total, one of which is significant. Of course, the rest of the episode he spends behind Rick poking zombies with his patented fire poker (Gotta love how T-Dog is given the weakest weapon of the group). After watching the show, I was almost worn out by all the T-Dog action we got in this premiere, but then after typing them all out, it really doesn’t look like much. But in T-Dog standards, it’s like they wrote the whole episode around him!
The one thing I note from these lines is that he seems obsessed with water. This provides evidence to my theory that T-Dog is actually the smartest of the group. He is thinking of their most basic survival needs – shelter, water – while the rest of them are concerned with boning (Daryl & the woman with the short hair, still not sure what her name is) (Maggie & Glen) or how pissy Rick is (Lori, Herschel). My theory is T-Dog is laying low, staying out of the way, and letting the course of natural selection eliminate the rest of the group over time, leaving him truly as the Last Man on Earth. It’s always the quiet ones.
Well, that’s this week’s edition of the T-Dog Chronicles. Join us next week for an even more pointless blog entry than this one was!
Pete
Dinosaurs F***in!: Stegosaurus
I thought it might be about that time for another edition of Dinosaurs F***in! because… well, just because, really. In this edition, we will focus on those spiky-backed, four-legged lovable lumberers known as the stegosaurus. Here is our first example of how ol’ steggy got down and did the nasty:
Be very, very careful…
Now, the second thing you’re probably thinking (the first being why the hell you’re taking your time to read about how dinosaurs had sex accompanied by my snarky comments) is how these two can mount each other without the bottom impaling the top with her massive back-spikes. Well, if you take a closer look (you know you want to), you’ll notice the top is mounting the bottom at a slight angle to the left, thus avoiding the graphic death of being impaled by spikes. No small feat, considering he still has to maintain the motion in the ocean in order to get the deed done. You ever done it sideways while trying to avoid being impaled to death? No? Then you have NO right to make fun of these goofy-looking animals trying to get their rocks off. Until you can accomplish sideways boning with huge knives mere inches away, then hold your laughter inside and simply marvel that these things were ever able to reproduce at all.
Pass me a cigarette
This picture is a little hard to grasp. It could be two stegosaurus in mid-coitus, with the female looking like she’s had much better. Or, it could be post-coitus, with both dinosaurs settling in for a cuddle before turning over for the night. Either way, the girl stegosaurus does seem like she’s seen better days… in bed! Also, does it not seem like the top is a lot younger than the bottom? Perhaps this is a Cretaceous period example of a teacher seducing her student? Ya see? History is always doomed to repeat itself.
I’m trying my best!!
Okay, so I’m not sure which one is the boy and which one is the girl, but whomever is the on the right is behaving like a real dillhole. Clearly, this dinosaur is not satisfied with the service they are receiving, and has no qualms about letting their partner know – vocally. Clearly, dinosaurs were not as advanced as us humans when it came to the fine art of telling their partner they are lousy in bed AFTER the boning is over. Doing it mid-thrust is just insult to injury. But, again, these guys have to avoid getting stabbed to death, so I guess a little crabbiness is to be expected. Also, the one on the left is doing an amazing balancing act. It’s not easy standing with one leg and only be supported by holding onto a log without a opposable thumb while doing the nasty. I think his or her partner ought to be a little more understanding of just how much work their partner is putting into this!
Surprisingly, there’s not a lot of artists renditions of stegosaurus making babies. Lots of other dinosaurs – which I will get to as time permits – but not too many of these awkward-looking beasts. In the end, you have to be amazed at the incredible skill it must have taken to even perform coitus given they wore huge Freddy Krueger knives on their backs. No doubt there were several casualties amongst themselves, but if you have to go out that way, what better way to go out then doing the thing we’re all obsessed about? It’s certainly more fun than the meteor that took them all out eventually.
Till next time,
Pete
Pete is Writing 